Things They Don’t Tell You About Your Miscarriage
Wait... I’m on a photographer’s website right?! Why so deep?
Because this was built on something deep. This is an extension of my heart that is put on display, & that is tied to this. So if its too much & its too deep... move along, friend. Its okay. Pain can be heavy. I get that.
We lost our first baby in the womb, little Tula Joy, The last days of January. I say the last days because there is the moment you know things aren’t going right so you go to the hospital where they say all they can do is draw your blood & draw it again in 3 days, to check if the hormones have gone down. Those are the days you go home & you lay in bed & pray to Jesus that he would save this baby. I will give you everything, Jesus. I will do anything for this. & then you simply cry out His name through out the day, because in church they tell you about the power it holds. Just His name alone. So much power. & you pray for the miracle even though your body is telling you otherwise... even though your body is fighting against you.
I lost our girl early on, & then I became expectant with Luca, a couple months later. But the pain doesn’t go away. Like clockwork, I remember every January. Like clockwork, I remember the third one, planning our one year old’s first birthday party while losing another we had wanted so badly.
So here’s my nod to the mamas who have gone through it. Who can feel the weight of my words pressing heavily against her heart. I see you, sis. You aren’t alone.
& when the memories come like waves in the night, keeping you awake into the morning, you are not alone.
When time keeps moving, & you arrive on days when you should hear extra footsteps & long for smiles, you are not alone.
& when someone wants to dissipate your grief because of the next miracle, you are not alone.
When two lines appear again, & every moment you fear it will end all too suddenly.
Nothing will ever replace your loss, mama, & years later, I still wait for the flood waters to stop rising at the thought.
Recently, I was flooded by emotion when my business reached a new height. I was so overjoyed that a name that brings about so much hurt within me could hold so much hope for others. That though our girl might not be with us, in her memory so many beautiful moments are captured. So much life beheld. & so there are beauty in these ashes, joy in this mourning.
I say all this because I don’t want you to forget, friend. I know thats not even possible, nor is it something I can ever imagine anyone wishing. But take heart. & here is the part where we can all find ourselves... because we all lose things & feel the hurt from it & that empty ache when its gone. Let this, too, bring promise of something new & beautiful & miraculous. When the tides want to roll in something new & beautiful, don’t say no & excuse yourself to sit in the pain. Feel the warmth & beauty of this new thing. Allow it to warm the coldest parts of your heart.
Just never stop feeling so fully.